If you thought the big news about Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin splitting up was the question of how they will continue to parent their beloved children whilst also negotiating the jagged rocks of a breakup with the thin skin and emotional bruises of two people whose life together has abruptly stopped working, we've got a SuRpRiSe!!!1!1!! for you, old buddy old pal. The big news here is that Chris Martin, now free of the macrobiotic, quinoa-bumming dietary shackles of Gwyneth Paltrow, is eating meat again.
That's right, we just suggested that Gwyneth Paltrow bums quinoa. We're not sure how that would work, but it's a pleasing thing to say. Anyway, back to Chris and his insatiable hunger for the flesh of all creatures great and small.
We like to imagine that as soon as Gwyneth hit 'publish' on the statement of their separation on GOOP, Chris immediately grabbed the laptop off her, logged into Hungry House and went hog fucking wild, ordering the meatiest Meat Feast pizza he could. It was so meaty it could be SMELLED from SPACE.
Chris told Radio 2 yesterday:
“I am not really vegetarian. I eat meat.
“I was vegetarian for a long time but, for various reasons, I changed.
“The honest answer why I changed is because I thought you can only eat something that you should be able to kill.
"I'd only eat something that I think I could kill. I'd kill a fish. Not a giraffe."
We could kill a fish. We could kill a fucking giraffe, too. Just throttle the fucker or hit it with a chair.
Anyway. It's not like Gwyneth is actually a vegetarian anyway. She eats salmon (wild, not farmed, obvz). But she probably didn't let Chris eat burgers when they were together. So now we basically imagine that Chris Martin just eats burgers all the livelong day. He's probably eating a burger right now. Right this second, Chris Martin is levering his third burger of the day into his waiting mouth, savouring the tender meat, the glossy brioche bun, the crunch of the pickles and the sweet, sweet grease that drips down his chin and onto his Live 8 t-shirt that he wears round the house.
Delicious.
Look how good Chris Martin's skin looks. It's the meat, that.
Look at sad Chris Martin's sad face. he's sad because he wants a burger.
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