If being a creepy misogynist is like a computer game, then Adam Levine just hit the high score, because he finally beat the final boss, Robin Thicke, with the unsettlingly creepiness of Maroon 5's new single and accompanying video. Yeah, we're sorry, this is a story about a Maroon 5 song.
The video's one of those high concept ones that everyone's doing nowadays, where there's not enough lighting and it's like a sexy movie. Except this is a sexy movie about...STALKING! Yes, everyone knows stalking is illegal, that it ruins lives and that it could even end in the victim's death, but did you know that stalking can also be realllll sexy? Well, it can, and Adam Levine is here to show you just how sexy it is in a music video where he relentlessly stalks his real-life wife Behati Prinsloo and humps a side of beef.
And as if casting your wife in the role of a stalking victim (whose stalker GETS INTO BED WITH HER WHILE SHE SLEEPS) wasn't misguided and horrible enough, the lyrics to Animals are, well, fucking hell. They're bleak, is what we're saying. Here's a taster:
Baby, I'm preying on you tonight
Hunt you down eat you aliveMaybe you think that you can hide
I can smell your scent from milesYeah you can start over you can run free
You can find other fish in the seaBut don't deny the animal
That comes alive when I'm inside you
OK. At no point in either the song or the video is the woman in this song afforded ANY iota of consent. The lyrics without the video are really just some super creepy dude whose ex has moved on and he's all like "NOOOOOO REMEMBER WHEN I WENT INSIDE YOUR VAGINA? DON'T HANG UP! I JUST WANNA TALK!" while he cry wanks. But the video? Standing outside her house in the rain, following her down the street and hiding in doorways, getting INTO HER BED, pestering her in bars, taking A LOT of photos of her out and about, taking a LOT of photos of her while she SLEEPS, humping a side of beef. That's not her ex. She doesn't know him. That's some fucking obsessed stranger.
Even if the home invasion aspect is just a fantasy, this is still a sexy portrayal of some guy smearing blood on himself while curating a comprehensive library of long lens photos of a woman he became obsessed with after she bought some meat from his workplace.
The latter part of the video, where Levine's wildest dreams are revealed to be that he and this hot lady will totally do sex and some of that sex will be like that True Blood Rolling Stone cover, seems to suggest that, hey, sure, he's stalking her and invading her privacy, but if she were just to get his number when he slimily touches her shoulder at the bar instead of brushing him off (TWICE), she'd have some super sex times with him. Give in to your stalker, ladies! He might just be good at eating pussy! That's not cool. That's NOT OK.
We get it, OK. Adam Levine wants everyone to see how hot it looks when he and his wife do sex on each other. Yes, yes, very good, your bodies are very nice. But this creepy as fuck stalking narrative is violently misogynist and we're genuinely weirded out.
Also, if our butcher spent so much time topless in the meat fridge, we'd be buying our steak somewhere else. GLOVES AND HANDWASHING DON'T COUNT FOR SHIT WHEN YOU'RE TOPLESS AND HUMPING A SIDE OF BEEF, ADAM, ARE YOU EVEN A REAL BUTCHER?
Here's the video. Sorry we promise we won't post another Maroon 5 video, ever.
Fucksake.
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